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Google Translate
Season 1, Episode 5
Google translator
Air date November 2012
Running time 360 seconds

Episode Guide
Everything Sounds Nicer

Google Translate (originally Google Translator) is the fifth sketch in Season 1 Episode 5 of Studio C.

Summary (from YouTube)Edit

Google translator can make life interesting.


{Jason is sitting at his computer desk, making flirtatious gestures. Matt comes in & notices Jason's behavior. He walks up to him.}

MATT: Hey, you look happy. What's up?

JASON: I have a girlfriend.

MATT: Really? Congratulations! Where did you two meet?

JASON: Well, we haven't met in person, but...we've been chatting online.

MATT: Congratulations less.

JASON: Oh, pish posh! 

MATT: Ever since you got a girlfriend, you talk a lot more like a six-year-old British woman.

JASON: Matt, this girl is amazing. She's from this small town in Estonia, so whenever I write I have to put it in Google Translator, but... we are so in love. 

MATT: Uh, Google Translator? That thing can mess stuff up pretty badly sometimes. What on earth is that language? 

JASON: It's Nordic backwards flaughian shlangle. 

MATT: That sounds made up. 

JASON: Twenty-seven people speak it, Matt. It's actually quite common. She's a beautiful girl, & it's a beautiful language. There she is... 

{He hits the mouse button, revealing Helga's picture offscreen.}

JASON (CONT'D): Helga Gatha. 

MATT: Oh, she looks very... agricultural. 

JASON: That's what I like about her most. And today, I tell her I want to meet in person. 

MATT: It's a big day. 

JASON: Yes. 

{He starts typing.}

JASON: "I love you so much, my darling. You're beautiful like the sea & amazing as the stars. I'm so glad I found you."

MATT: Ugh, my brain just vomited. 

JASON: Shut up, Matt. You don't understand love, it's complicated. 

{He hits Send, & a chime is heard. A scene switch occurs; a room in Estonia is shown. Inside it is Helga Gatha, a young woman dressed in traditional European clothing. Next to her is a young man with a mustache--obviously Helga's brother--writing a bicycle without the rear wheel. Helga rushes to her computer, which is made up of old parts, is connected to an electric candlestick, & is powered by Helga's brother riding the bike.}

JASON (V/O): "I have so many love for you, darling. You are amazing & pretty as fireballs. I am happy I looked you." 

{Helga exclaims in joy, & she starts typing. Her brother starts to slow down on the bicycle, causing the computer to power down. Helga notices that the electric candle is out & taps on the computer. She pokes her brother with her broomstick, telling him to go back to pedaling. He gives a hand gesture, & Helga, in her native language, tells him off & he shrugs. She types in her response & hits Send. We're back at Jason & Matt's apartment room, where the two are waiting patiently for Helga's response.}

HELGA (V/O): "I love you, Jason. So many, so many! I would want you to marry." 

JASON: Oh my goodness, she wants to marry me! 

MATT: Yeah, might not be the greatest idea. 

JASON: Oh, tea & crumpets! 

MATT: Uh, there's that old British woman again. Listen, you need to meet this girl in person before you get involved in something crazy with someone you met online. I mean, she could be a total psychopath, & or a 900-year-old man. She could be taller than you! 

{A seemingly offended Jason angrily slaps Matt in the face & points his finger at him; Matt seems surprised.}

JASON: No. Don't you even say that. But you're right. We should meet before we make plans. 

MATT: Thank you. 

{Jason starts typing again.}

JASON: "I'm ecstatic at your offer, but I think we should meet face-to-face before we make any plans. What's your address? I will book a flight & come find you as soon as I can." 

{He hits Send. We're back in Helga's room. She hears the chime & rushes back to the computer.}

JASON (V/O): "My love, I am happy at you, but I thought our face & face should meet before we make plans. What your address? I will Bible a flight & come look at you as soon as I can." 

{Helga exclaims with excitement & jumps out of her seat.}

HELGA: Mommy! Mommy! 

{Helga's parents enter the room, & her mother asks what the matter is. Helga responds in her foreign language, & she starts vocalizing the traditional wedding march. This causes major excitement between the daughter & her parents, & they embrace. Helga then rushes back to her computer & goes back to typing. As she's typing, she shouts in her foreign language before hitting Send. A split screen is now shown, showing both Jason & Matt's room & Helga's room. As Jason & Matt listen, Helga's mother is fixing her hair.}

HELGA (V/O): "I live in homely cottage on Hoghill Mountain in Pisgah, Estonia. Is two-day climb & our hills are infested with werewolf monkeys." 

{Helga gets up from her seat before getting back on to make a quick correction.}

JASON: I can't believe I'm doing this! 

MATT: You're going to do this? What about the werewolf monkeys? 

{Jason brushes him off as Helga hits Send.)

HELGA (V/O): "Rabid monkeys."

MATT: I guess that's better. 

{As Jason is typing, Helga pulls out a wedding dress & is practicing the wedding march with her father.}

JASON: "I'm so happy! I hope to impress your family when I come to your house so that I can marry you, Helga Gatha." 

{He hits Send. Helga & her parents turn to the computer excitedly.}

JASON (V/O): "I am so happy. I hope to come to your home &..."

{The tone suddenly becomes more menacing.}

JASON (V/O) (CONT'D): "...murder your family so that I can marriage you, Helga Gatha." 

{Helga's parents suddenly become concerned & they start yelling at her. Helga silents the two & she nervously walks up to her computer. As she's typing, her parents are talking to each other; Helga's mother does a gesture that looks like she's stabbing. They then go to Helga just as she hits Send, & we're back at the split-screen.}

HELGA (V/O): "Please, don't hurt me." 


{Helga's parents continue to yell at her, & she seems pretty upset.}

JASON (CONT'D): She's afraid of getting hurt! It's so sweet & tender! 

MATT: I guess that is pretty sweet. Okay, she's growing on me. 

{Jason types to Helga's response.}

JASON: "I'm scared, too. But I promise I won't hurt you. I stick to my guns." 

{He hits Send. Helga & her parents quickly look at the computer anxiously.}

JASON (V/O): "Fear also, it will not hurt. I stick with guns." 

{Everything goes into a complete panic in Helga's room. Helga's father opens the door, & three farmers who are obviously his servants rush in. An upset Helga tells about her situation, & she imitates the stabbing gestures. Two of the farmers start to panic as well. Throughout it all, Helga's brother starts praying for deliverance. One of the farmers furiously grabs a barrel & is about to smash Helga's computer but is stopped by her father. Everyone except Helga's brother & one of the farmers start gathering things to escape. One of the farmers gets all insane & starts tearing his overalls. We turn back to Jason & Matt's apartment, where the two have been waiting patiently for a response.}

JASON: She hasn't responded back yet. Maybe she had to do some farm work. I'll just sign off really quick. 

{He makes one last type.}

JASON (CONT'D): "My heart bleeds, bleeds, bleeds without you." 

{He hits Send. We turn back to Helga's room; everyone is holding stuff as they lean towards the computer.}

JASON (V/O): "Blood, blood, blood! Your organs." 

{Helga & her family let out a blood-curdling scream, & pretty soon everyone runs out of the room... everyone except Helga's brother, who's still on the bike, pedaling like crazy. At last, we turn back to the apartment room.}

MATT: You know, you should bring her family something nice when you come. 

JASON: Yeah. How about a nice set of goats? 

MATT: Oh, that's nice. 

JASON: Yeah.



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